About me

Recently, a friend of mine and I were reflecting on what labels mean to us as members of the queer community. As part of this discussion, I realized that it wasn’t just these queer identity terms which meant something to me—I had numerous other labels I applied to myself as well, some of which were just as integral to who I was as my queer identity. The term medievalist loomed quite large in my mind as a term which really quite accurately describes who I am. It may not be this way for everyone, but I am truly a medievalist before I am anything else. It is true that being gray ace and gray aro (and a mostly Sapphic bi) actually makes it far easier for me to become a medievalist in the first place. I can be more or less “monastic” without it being much of a sacrifice for me, because I really don’t have the same romantic needs as an allosexual or alloromantic person might. It’s fun when it happens, but if it doesn’t I don’t really care? And that can be really hard for some people to understand. 

There is a lot of space in my life for academic study because of this. I occasionally feel that it even gives me an advantage. I don’t need a whole lot to feel fulfilled. I sometimes read hagiography and wonder if a lot of these supposedly virginal nuns and female saints may have shared my sexual orientation? Mostly lesbian, partly asexual? I could definitely see the attraction of living around all women, all the time, and then being able to more or less focus on one’s scholarship without dying an early death at 25 trying to birth the child of a man you are most likely not attracted to? 

Could it be that scholarship (and being queer) saved their lives? Could it be that such things saved my life? In a way, I feel that they did. I had my own conversion experience of sorts—by far, the most significant educational experience of my life was choosing to take Professor Wolf’s medieval Mediterranean history course. I had no particular vision that I would be a medieval historian before taking that class, and by two weeks in I had already decided my future. I began identifying as an “aspiring” medievalist before I openly identified as queer. I came out in 2017, spring break, after I had already “become” a medievalist. I didn’t tell Professor Wolf or anyone else until much later (after the first 2 weeks) about the medievalist path I had chosen, because I figured that I wouldn’t be taken seriously at that point if I did. I questioned myself a lot, as a person who had enrolled in pre-med and who had previously harbored ambitions to become a doctor or a lawyer—two weeks into a class, how can you possibly already know that this is your calling? It was an ace/aro version of falling in love at first sight. Once I stepped into that classroom, I knew almost immediately that this is what I wanted for my life. Once I did declare the LAMS major early in the following semester, I started to experience various people challenging my commitment to LAMS and my follow through. Even now, I have people who challenge it. But I’m not going anywhere. That’s what I told the Classics/LAMS faculty when they were surprised that a first year would declare LAMS, and I think it is abundantly clear that I am a woman of my word. I’ve been living on the couch in Pearsons basement which bears my name (not literally I’d hope you know) for years now. I haven’t gone anywhere, and I probably never will. That couch has my spirit ingrained in its fibers. But more than that, it is a symbol—I’m claiming my place in this field, and I will continue to do so throughout graduate school and beyond. I wouldn’t have signed myself up for this life if I wasn’t passionate about medieval history beyond my wildest dreams. 

For this class, I just plan to relish in the opportunity to honestly take an introspective look at myself. I haven’t been able to reflect on who I am that much, and how the identity of “academia” and “educator” has sort of melded with my sense of self. I look forward to taking such a look. I am proud of what I have achieved in undergrad, and I plan to use this class to critically engage with the identity as a medievalist that I have constructed for myself out of years of work, so that I can be the best educator, and the most present friend and colleague that I can possibly be.